


the sea in the distance

by cant



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: M/M, he's depressed basically, just a thing about my dumb oc Rowan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25214500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cant/pseuds/cant
Summary: Rowan struggles because he's a burden and everyone's too nice to him and does too much and he hates himself so much, but... Sometimes he gets a break





	the sea in the distance

The forest was so peaceful, I almost forgot I existed. 

Something about coming here, the faint sound of the sea in the distance mixing together with the swish of the wind through trees, was one of the only things that took me back to my childhood where I actually _liked_ it. It was the times I sat in the grass, Mac sniffling at a rabbit hole somewhere nearby, a blanket around my shoulders. It was the times I could cry and feel less guilt, where I could live in the wild where I felt like I actually belonged. 

“Remember the time we fucked in the woods?” 

Luke. I closed my eyes, but I couldn’t help but smile – the blush crept onto my cheeks before I could retort. 

“Shut up,” I groaned, lying back on the grass, my hands on my face to cover all the embarrassment. Thank fuck we were alone, or I might have assaulted him. 

He was laughing, the prick. “Why are you embarrassed? It was really hot,” he added, like that would help. 

“I’m gonna kill you,” I groaned, pulling my beanie off and down over my face, just to disappear for a moment. 

“Then do it, big man,” he grinned, punching me gently in the side. “I’d take you on.” 

I just sighed exasperatedly. Here I was, revelling in the magic of the forest, and this idiot had to remind me of his own horniness. 

Not that it didn’t make my heart flutter, and my chest warm up. Even now, my face covered, I could practically feel his smile, almost see those dimples and the way his hair moved in the wind. And when he lay down beside me and shuffled right up into my side, I was reminded of just how warm and comfortable he was, like he fit there naturally. 

“You haven’t had a smoke today,” he said quietly. The sea in the background sounded so calm, even though I knew it was a huge, deep and dangerous force. Right now, it sounded like a rain on the outside of a cosy house. 

I shook my head. “I did this morning.” 

“Oh,” he hummed, smoothing one side of my jacket down a little. For a moment, we just listened to the trees and the seagulls in the distance. 

Some movement happened - my stomach flipped, and my heart reacted with its confused edge of anxiety. I wished so desperately that I didn’t have to physically flinch whenever anyone put their hand up to me, let alone when Luke did it. He had only reached up and took my beanie off my face, and here I was, acting like I thought he’d punch me. 

“Sorry,” he said, the guilt in his voice painful to hear. “I forgot.” 

My chest felt like it was made of leaves and twigs, shivering and fragile. It was all I could do to keep the wobble in my voice under control as I covered my face with my hands, this time the embarrassment much deeper and much sharper. “It’s okay,” I managed to say, though I had to swallow the fear down even though it tasted like poison. “I- sorry.” 

“No, don’t you apologise,” he frowned, leaning on his arm beside me. “I should have warned you.” 

I sensed any further argument would just upset him, so I bit my lip hard and kept it in. 

The walk back felt weird. 

Not awkward, not uncomfortable, just like I’d fucked up. I was also certain that I was the only one feeling that way, because Luke seemed to have brushed the whole thing off, telling me enthusiastically about something his flatmate had done. 

Town was dark, mostly empty, but we still kept to the back alleys and ancient walkways. It felt like a secret, as we passed through another section of the wild woods. 

“That’s wild garlic,” I said, pointing out a leafy plant. My voice felt like it didn’t belong to me. 

Luke lit up and jogged over to pick some up. “How did you spot that? That’s amazing,” he was saying brightly, though his voice sounded far away. 

I stopped. I couldn’t figure out if I was going to pass out or panic, and though it felt at that moment like both, I didn’t want either. We’d had such a nice day, out in the woods, my element, something about the atmosphere unlocking my soul, and I’d smiled, and he’d smiled, and I’d felt almost _good_ about myself. Time to ruin it, said my brain, and that was that. 

All I wanted was to curl up in bed and pretend I’d never been anywhere, never ruined anything, never made Luke worry. It was moments like this, seeing him so far away, picking wild garlic, that my chest filled with waves of skipped heartbeats and poisonous guilt that told me he deserved better. I was a mess. What if he didn’t come back? I wouldn’t blame him. 

“Rowan, hey,” he was saying, but he was still so far away, and I should have turned around right there and walked into the sea. My breath was coming hard, too much, too painful, the world fading and spinning and leaving me dizzy and lost. 

I didn’t feel much better when I woke up with my head in Luke’s lap. 

It was dark now, cold. Luke’s fingers were warm on my cheek, pushing back hair. I could see trees and grass, just moving gently in the wind, the sea still roaring in the background like a rush of blood to the head. 

But it was peaceful. 

“I’m sorry,” I managed to get out, my voice hoarse and rough. 

A tear slid down my cheek, and I let it. Fuck it. 

“Sh, don’t,” he said quietly, running his fingers through my hair, so gentle I almost thought his next words would be in Irish, and I’d be back in front of the fire, and I’d be listening to my mother tell me about how I was the runt of the litter. 

“I am,” I said, swallowing awkwardly. I sat up, and he let me, my fingers shaking and my body freezing through and through. “I ruin everything.” 

Luke took exception to that, coming up to sit in front of me. He took my face in his warm hands, looking at me intently, his dark eyes the only thing I could see in that moment. “You,” he said firmly, “do not ruin everything. I’m telling you, Rowan, you’ll have to try a lot harder than that to get rid of me.” 

And though my brain constantly supplied me with endless stupid and dangerous reinterpretations of that statement, we managed to get to his place and somehow sneak past his flatmates. In his room, he helped me take off my jacket and shrug it to the floor, and then my jumper, leaving me shivering in my t-shirt. 

At this point, I’d been shivering for so long I couldn’t tell if it was cold or anxiety. 

I said as much. “Can’t t- even t-tell if I’m cold,” I managed to stammer out, adrenaline still wasting its time on my exhausted body. 

That made him laugh, a warm sound against my cold body. “It was freezing, Ro. Come here.” 

He led me to the bed and, before I knew it, I was wrapped in a blanket and his arms, warmer than I’d been in years. My shaking died down as he quietly told me about his day, how he’d rethought an essay, or he’d had the most amazing cup of tea for breakfast earlier. His lips pressed to my forehead every so often, little kisses reminding me to breathe, to squeeze him closer. 

I knew, then, that even though insomnia would claim me an hour later and make me sit there and think about all the ways I burdened him, that in that moment I was actually happy. Even though my chest still hurt with little aftershocks, and my head had that dull ache that I knew would turn into a migraine later, I liked this. This, being wrapped in my boyfriend’s arms as he whispered to me and held me close, was the closest I’d been to happiness in my entire life.


End file.
